Is There Good in Bad Habits?

What happens when you can't answer "what makes you happy?", "when was the last time you were happy?",    "why do you always seem stressed?", and most importantly- "WHAT ARE YOU PROUD OF?"...

like seriously, what happens and how do you feel when nothing but hot air comes out of your silent mouth. When you slouch in your seat and can't honestly feel like you are happy or proud of anything you have done. 

Now I won't be drastic and say I have not smiled once or patted myself on the back before, but at this point I look back and feel like all my decisions were always made out of logical reasoning? Is that just looming adulthood? Is that severe maturity and no room for silliness on my part? I can't say I've made a (positive) selfish decision I can be happy about. Everything feels like I did it for that reason or this person (which don't get me wrong, I thrive off being a nurturer) but nothing feels like I did it for me. For no other underlying reason but me me ME!.

I look back and as things change and no longer exist in my life, I just feel stressed and upset that while they were present I didn't stop and let them benefit me...when I say me, I mean the selfish, go ahead and indulge side that I think, in retrospect, that everyone should have.

As far back as my birthday gatherings, milestone (e.g. graduation  celebrations, relationships, vacations, etc. I don't remember ever having a me moment. Something that I may feel guilty about later but overall felt great to serve me. I'm always so worried about judgement, but mostly about how the parties involved may feel- I didn't live my life. I didn't feel for me.

Now it's definitely not too late and at least I have counseling moments with my self to address my shortcomings. But how do you change something that is a force of habit? How sad is that, that not enjoying the moment/being overly logical is my "bad habit". I don't even have a bad (selfish/guilty pleasure) bad habit. Pitiful!

Anyhoo, I don't know where I was going with this. Nor will I go back and proofread and try to make this a super relateable blog. If my thoughts are all over the place and you're lost. Sorry, it's the non-blogger in me lol. I just needed to vomit on "pen and paper" really quickly. No more. No less.

With the new year around the corner, I hope I can find a guilty pleasure. Because I'm realizing at times, it's good to have a slice of bad. A hankering of taboo. Because if it brings you peace of mind, no matter how silly or even risque, was it all bad? 

I hope to make myself happier. I hope to start living. Maybe I'll pass the "let me take care of..." hat to someone else. (I doubt it, but it felt good to wishfully think lol :-P).

Talk to you all later!

Blessings