What happens when you can't answer "what makes you happy?", "when was the last time you were happy?", "why do you always seem stressed?", and most importantly- "WHAT ARE YOU PROUD OF?"...
like seriously, what happens and how do you feel when nothing but hot air comes out of your silent mouth. When you slouch in your seat and can't honestly feel like you are happy or proud of anything you have done.
Now I won't be drastic and say I have not smiled once or patted myself on the back before, but at this point I look back and feel like all my decisions were always made out of logical reasoning? Is that just looming adulthood? Is that severe maturity and no room for silliness on my part? I can't say I've made a (positive) selfish decision I can be happy about. Everything feels like I did it for that reason or this person (which don't get me wrong, I thrive off being a nurturer) but nothing feels like I did it for me. For no other underlying reason but me me ME!.
I look back and as things change and no longer exist in my life, I just feel stressed and upset that while they were present I didn't stop and let them benefit me...when I say me, I mean the selfish, go ahead and indulge side that I think, in retrospect, that everyone should have.
As far back as my birthday gatherings, milestone (e.g. graduation celebrations, relationships, vacations, etc. I don't remember ever having a me moment. Something that I may feel guilty about later but overall felt great to serve me. I'm always so worried about judgement, but mostly about how the parties involved may feel- I didn't live my life. I didn't feel for me.
Now it's definitely not too late and at least I have counseling moments with my self to address my shortcomings. But how do you change something that is a force of habit? How sad is that, that not enjoying the moment/being overly logical is my "bad habit". I don't even have a bad (selfish/guilty pleasure) bad habit. Pitiful!
Anyhoo, I don't know where I was going with this. Nor will I go back and proofread and try to make this a super relateable blog. If my thoughts are all over the place and you're lost. Sorry, it's the non-blogger in me lol. I just needed to vomit on "pen and paper" really quickly. No more. No less.
With the new year around the corner, I hope I can find a guilty pleasure. Because I'm realizing at times, it's good to have a slice of bad. A hankering of taboo. Because if it brings you peace of mind, no matter how silly or even risque, was it all bad?
I hope to make myself happier. I hope to start living. Maybe I'll pass the "let me take care of..." hat to someone else. (I doubt it, but it felt good to wishfully think lol :-P).
Talk to you all later!
Blessings
Therapy: Life & Relationships
Lately I’ve just been re-evaluating my life and the things/people I’ve let in it. More so catching up with ME. Making sure my decisions still make sense and I’m in a good place. Often I talk to myself…sing to myself…question myself…and sometimes outright scold myself. Oh and of course, sometimes I take the time to write it down. And share, hence this blog 
This time I went ahead and wrote my immediate thoughts/reactions down (in regards to a particular situation…specifically my partnership. Am I and we OK was the question.) I spilled my thoughts in the form of questions. In the form of one-worded sentences/statements. In the form of alot of things. I ended up with a questionnaire (for me and him)? lol…I decided to share this snippet with you.
- How do you know you’re with the right person right now?
- What do want to change?
- What do you need to change?
- What can’t you do without?
- Are you in love or do you love?
- Describe [their] touch?
- Has the euphoria faded?
- Do you know what you’ll do when it does?
- Do you desire an experience with someone else?
- Do you know what to do to make it work?
- Do you sense [they] does?
- Can feelings change?
- Are you ok with that?
- Do you know what you’ll do when they do?
- Are you fulfilled?
- How do you know?
- So, why are you here?
- Well…what’s next?
Well…that’s it…til next time
(let me know if you/someone answer these questions.)
Breaking Walls..YES!...no?!
Who am I? Where am I?
more importantly.........WHY am I?
Like anyone, I find myself asking "i" these questions. But they are coming to mind more frequently lately.
Let's start at the beginning (of this last "self-evaluation"). My partner asked me some time ago "when do I ever feel pretty?"...told me some time ago I would "make a great [spouse]"...and just last night, "do you know you're beautiful?"
I think everyone has suffered from the "don't ask don't tell"/"don't acknowledge the elephant [til it acknowledges you]" improper way of 'dealing'. And now I'm being asked, what I didn't feel I was ready to tell/acknowledge. Those questions made me realize either my insecurities are becoming more evident or that my partner [as love grows will yield] is paying more attention...or both. To you all I'm sure these questions/statements made your heart warm and think "that's so sweet". To me....I was uncomfortable [as hell]. And I did what I do best, make a joke or taint the seriousness of my response with humor. AHA---a defense mechanism, I (and maybe you all) know too well.
Normally, I feel safe in my defense mechanism. It gets me away from continuing a serious topic in a serious tone, if not completely deviating the conversation. But today, I spent the day distracted and worried about how I was coming off to my partner. Am I seeming to be a less secure, less empowered, challenge? Am I radiating a sense of self-doubt and unhappiness? Did my lack of response or reciprocal praise lead to doubt in my partner about my feelings/their worth to me?
I found the blessing in having finally been concerned with what I thought was a great defense mechanism in the past. I found how much my heart and mind were in love and did not want to lose my relationship. I found myself finally breaking down my walls so that I can love myself in order to be loved. Yay!
Sadly, I also found the curse. Realized how worried I was that this is beginning to feel like an "experimental" relationship. The more I disclosed and searched and learned of myself, the less stable I felt about "who I am" and what I could bring to the relationship. The more chance it has of having various outcomes, some if not most out of my control. ME? lose control? [AW HELL NO!]... Yes, it's great to learn, but at what cost. As my walls come down, I feel uncomfortably vulnerable/open/unknowing in my relationship. Yes, I hear ya...love is about being vulnerable. But love is also about being comfortable in your own skin. And right now, I am not...
Ok, I am taking this blog in so many directions so I will try to bring it back. All in all what I am focusing on today is how much of my laughter is "youth"/"pure happiness" and how much is a "don't REALLY look at me" mask to hide imperfections/deny myself emotions. WHEW that last is a doozy. Because... I automatically equate emotions to --> vulnerability to --> expectations/investment to --> disappointments/tragedy. whoa. *exhale* but how sad is that?
Anyhoo, I'm only human and can deal with things (truly) one at a time. Right now I am focusing on the deny myself emotions and investments thought process. I think, and am pretty sure, I do this because I have never known any true joy in the past. Happiness is one thing and, to me, circumstantial. JOY is permanent/unmovable/within you always (even when we're sad). So, because I've never known true joy, I've rationalized it doesn't exist. And the people that walk around trying to flaunt it are just mistaken. They are just exceptionally happy at that moment and time. And they don't know that cloud may and will be taken from them at any point in time, leaving them to mourn and feel deep-rooted sadness. AHA--we have a breakthrough. I play it safe, by not taking risks. I avoid pain/sadness/ugliness, by not expecting or trying to be happy/beautiful. I would rather not invest in any emotion, because like any investment it can expand or it can decline. That loss of control (ah, we hit this again) on such stakes, seems pointless and foolish to me. And I'd rather not take part.
Well guess what self...you're in a damn relationship now...you best learn to take part...or try... You better think of yourself in the [spouse] spotlight with potential to be a damned good one, because someday someone will want/see you there. Self, I hope you see yourself there too. You better know your external beauty as well as your internal, vice versa. And self, pleaseeee...I beg you, learn to let yourself feel the emotions your expressing. This incongruity dance you got me and you doing, is not beneficial. We have to feel things...real things...to know them. We have to invest to truly learn. And frankly, I had your back in the past and loved "saving face"...but these days all these barriers are letting less and less sunshine come through. And you and I deserve to feel/see it. I rather know this love I'm feeling for real for as long as I can than to have missed out. You'd better hop on board. :-)
I think that's a good place to leave it. Anybody else struggle with any of these issues? Anybody else writing letters to self?...hope you'll share so my madness doesn't seem so mad...so that you can purge somethings too...if anything, hope you got something out this about yourself or someone else close to you...YES I'LL SHUTUP [for now].
~bye >_<
more importantly.........WHY am I?
Like anyone, I find myself asking "i" these questions. But they are coming to mind more frequently lately.
Let's start at the beginning (of this last "self-evaluation"). My partner asked me some time ago "when do I ever feel pretty?"...told me some time ago I would "make a great [spouse]"...and just last night, "do you know you're beautiful?"
I think everyone has suffered from the "don't ask don't tell"/"don't acknowledge the elephant [til it acknowledges you]" improper way of 'dealing'. And now I'm being asked, what I didn't feel I was ready to tell/acknowledge. Those questions made me realize either my insecurities are becoming more evident or that my partner [as love grows will yield] is paying more attention...or both. To you all I'm sure these questions/statements made your heart warm and think "that's so sweet". To me....I was uncomfortable [as hell]. And I did what I do best, make a joke or taint the seriousness of my response with humor. AHA---a defense mechanism, I (and maybe you all) know too well.
Normally, I feel safe in my defense mechanism. It gets me away from continuing a serious topic in a serious tone, if not completely deviating the conversation. But today, I spent the day distracted and worried about how I was coming off to my partner. Am I seeming to be a less secure, less empowered, challenge? Am I radiating a sense of self-doubt and unhappiness? Did my lack of response or reciprocal praise lead to doubt in my partner about my feelings/their worth to me?
I found the blessing in having finally been concerned with what I thought was a great defense mechanism in the past. I found how much my heart and mind were in love and did not want to lose my relationship. I found myself finally breaking down my walls so that I can love myself in order to be loved. Yay!
Sadly, I also found the curse. Realized how worried I was that this is beginning to feel like an "experimental" relationship. The more I disclosed and searched and learned of myself, the less stable I felt about "who I am" and what I could bring to the relationship. The more chance it has of having various outcomes, some if not most out of my control. ME? lose control? [AW HELL NO!]... Yes, it's great to learn, but at what cost. As my walls come down, I feel uncomfortably vulnerable/open/unknowing in my relationship. Yes, I hear ya...love is about being vulnerable. But love is also about being comfortable in your own skin. And right now, I am not...
Ok, I am taking this blog in so many directions so I will try to bring it back. All in all what I am focusing on today is how much of my laughter is "youth"/"pure happiness" and how much is a "don't REALLY look at me" mask to hide imperfections/deny myself emotions. WHEW that last is a doozy. Because... I automatically equate emotions to --> vulnerability to --> expectations/investment to --> disappointments/tragedy. whoa. *exhale* but how sad is that?
Anyhoo, I'm only human and can deal with things (truly) one at a time. Right now I am focusing on the deny myself emotions and investments thought process. I think, and am pretty sure, I do this because I have never known any true joy in the past. Happiness is one thing and, to me, circumstantial. JOY is permanent/unmovable/within you always (even when we're sad). So, because I've never known true joy, I've rationalized it doesn't exist. And the people that walk around trying to flaunt it are just mistaken. They are just exceptionally happy at that moment and time. And they don't know that cloud may and will be taken from them at any point in time, leaving them to mourn and feel deep-rooted sadness. AHA--we have a breakthrough. I play it safe, by not taking risks. I avoid pain/sadness/ugliness, by not expecting or trying to be happy/beautiful. I would rather not invest in any emotion, because like any investment it can expand or it can decline. That loss of control (ah, we hit this again) on such stakes, seems pointless and foolish to me. And I'd rather not take part.
Well guess what self...you're in a damn relationship now...you best learn to take part...or try... You better think of yourself in the [spouse] spotlight with potential to be a damned good one, because someday someone will want/see you there. Self, I hope you see yourself there too. You better know your external beauty as well as your internal, vice versa. And self, pleaseeee...I beg you, learn to let yourself feel the emotions your expressing. This incongruity dance you got me and you doing, is not beneficial. We have to feel things...real things...to know them. We have to invest to truly learn. And frankly, I had your back in the past and loved "saving face"...but these days all these barriers are letting less and less sunshine come through. And you and I deserve to feel/see it. I rather know this love I'm feeling for real for as long as I can than to have missed out. You'd better hop on board. :-)
I think that's a good place to leave it. Anybody else struggle with any of these issues? Anybody else writing letters to self?...hope you'll share so my madness doesn't seem so mad...so that you can purge somethings too...if anything, hope you got something out this about yourself or someone else close to you...YES I'LL SHUTUP [for now].
~bye >_<
HAVE YOU EVER...
HAVE YOU EVER...
...thrown caution to the wind?
Can we...set? GO!
~Thanx <3...Noel
04/06/2010
...thrown caution to the wind?
Can we...set? GO!
~Thanx <3...Noel
04/06/2010
How Quickly Things Change...
In an instant what seems like a perfect, or at least functioning relationship is-- well doing just that, functioning. And then just like that things change. But is it ever really "just like that"? How quickly did things change? What signs did we miss? Who is to blame-- the one blinded to their partner or the partner blinded to themselves? In 2010 I don't even know the statistic, but 5 years ago 1 in 3 women had been abused. Be it once, twice, known assailant, unknown, it was 1 in 3. I am not sure the number for abused men (because it does exist), but let's talk on the majority. Between the person sitting on your right and on your left someone has been/will be abused. Is it you? Too many women are subject to their partner's inability to manage self-conflict. Too many women do not know where to turn. If the only outcome is eyes of pity, charity, or how did you get there, too many women will never admit anything is wrong-- to you or themselves. It pains me to see the bearers of life and such beautiful creatures be pained and defeated. It breaks my heart to see love unappreciated and unrequited. It just all around hurts. Take it as you may but open your eyes to your situation. Re-evaluate the conflict and communication. Know your partner. Because how (not so) quickly things change...
~N.T.~
03.21.2010
A women stands next to her man, a man who welcomes her to stand there.
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