Anniversary

03-06-10
Wow! Is it March already? It has been a year since I started this blog business and they way I have been so lax about it, it feels more like a day. I am still new to this. And I’m still as vulnerable as a year ago. But I can say this I am vulnerable from a voyeuristic point of view now. I am doing so much better at examining my within without being in. I look at myself from an outside stance and evaluate the classic 5 W’s + 1 H….Anyone who knows me, knows I love that lil “mantra” (if u will)…who-what-when-why-where and how…it’s so simple yet can divulge into such complexity. Anyway, off my soapbox, I thought it only be right to share Noel with you one year later. Let’s start the update from the very beginning.

How rude of me to never truly introduce myself. I am Noel Tulliv. A 21 year something. I say that because my soul/traditions of hearts tends to run old and with my generations prior. But my mind/spirit is that of the generations to come. It will always be young and full of zest and laughter. I am a resident of life. I hate being stagnant and though I am physically I am far from it mentally. In my mind I live all over the world and in my heart I shall reunite with my world over the years. Noel loves to travel. So come travel with Noel. I must confess my birth name is not Noel Tulliv. I took on this name many moons ago in a Creative Writing course. I wanted to have an alter ego for one of my writing projects. Also, I did not want my name disclosed throughout the university when my professor mentioned this particular assignment was going to be published in some creative journal (hmm I should look into said journal…a thought). But I took on a name that I felt was catchy should I ever publish the books I intend to write. Also, it was unfortunately a name that described how I felt at the time. I was very much into laying all my cards on the table because I felt I had nothing to lose, when I had already lost it all. Maybe one day we can share stories behind the chips on our shoulders. But needless to say, I had no-will-to-live (Noel Tulliv…ladies and gents)…yes I know dreary but I found it catchy and when enough was enough and I had met the end of mine rainbow, someone introduced me to their blog (ironically under another name he carried) and introduced to self-help therapy. Blogging is my counseling, I don’t know about y’all. I can just release and type away until the white space is filled with little black symbols (letters). So when I began the blog, I was in such a dark state I feared inescapable judgment and eyes. (another disclosure of self for another blog). But I thought hmm what should my blogger identity be. At first it was metanoia (to weaken and strengthen…psychotic breakdown followed by re-building/healing). But that ironically conflicted with something so I went back to my classroom moniker. To make a long story less long, I began using the name to give me anonymity. When I added my poetry blogspot [http://noeltulliv.blogspot.com], I realized (with the help of a friend) that the name now gave me ambiguity. You’d know not whether I am male or female, black or white, of the western or eastern hemisphere, old, young, short, fat, or any other prejudging factors that would take away from the character and words. I am a person like you, everything else is to the wind and irrelevant. (well except I did disclose my age lol).

This is getting really long and bless your heart for staying tuned. The more independent I am becoming in life the more dependent I become. My memory is kaput, I type everything now…just little things I used to have the convenience of taking my time and doing my way and remembering to do them are slipping from me. Welcome to adulthood I guess you could say. Yea well, I have one word on adulthood. I realized when I loved with innocence I love wholeheartedly with no worries. As I age and “learn”, it makes me cautious and more skeptical. It hurts. I never wanted mine love to exist with prejudice. That was the one thing I believed could escape the agents of socialization. I guess I love to live, learn, and keep positive and let the cookies crumble, as they will.

The more I put myself out there the more I want to crawl into my shell. This is why I felt the need to explain the story behind my name. I recently had a conversation with a friend about why I hide my voice or stray away from putting a face to powerful words. Well with power comes responsibility as well as an automatic audience. I do not mind sharing my experiences because I know there is one person out there meant to understand me. But to those that don’t or only semi-understand, I feel like I can’t handle their judgment, or charity looks-o-pity, or wanting to hand me a tissue. I feel like the more someone makes me the face of a discretion the more I am chained to it. How bout I experience it, share it, and society let’s me move on with two strong feet marching side-by-side, head held high. Why must I feel like an open target once I open my heart? Too many people turn it into a bull’s eye marker. I keep myself protected by my pen name and without identifiers. What’s it to you if you see my picture or know I’m the person next to you most days of the week. Would that affect how you virtually read me and how you physically see me? You’d say no for my sake, but we all know the answer is yes…whether we realize it or not. We are born to judge even if it’s feeling sorry/hurt for. That too is an emotion cast on which we see. Alas, a judgment.

With that thesis said, I bid you all goodnight…hope that was one more chip you could relate to or at least understand its position on my shoulder.
~NT