Childless Mother...

01.31.10

not too long ago someone asked me what words haunt me. of course I have my usual "want to save the world" moments and at that moment I thought well surely words like "cancer", "suffering", "alone" are what haunt me most. they are what make me feel invalid as a healer. they make me feel like I can't ease what pains others, which therein part pains me.

i think we all have a fear of being alone. i know i do but my fear of solitude goes deeper. i fear feeling empty. i fear never giving birth. what haunts me most in my current state of mind is being a childless mother.

think we all have our "one question". our one why me Lord, why? and though i can be the first to preach let us not ask why but learn the because or at least learn the patience to let lessons come when He deems. it all goes out the window with our "one question". we, at least I, let that one worry rape our mind and instill a fear so deep we won't let our Lord debride it.

and if you haven't guessed my big "question" is why will I be a childless mother. i have a long health history that basically sums up to my chances of biological children as slim to none, especially without medical intervention. but the kicker is that reproductive therapy cost an arm and a leg and has such emotional distress with undesired outcomes. I just beat myself constantly with the "why me's" and "what did i do's." I don't know how to stop blaming myself or how to not be haunted by one obstacle.

recently i am learning that i don't need children to have children. i don't need to be a biological mother to be a mother. yes i can adopt (more money), yes i can raises nieces/nephews, yes i can use my nursing-patient relationship to mother a child. so it's just about realizing i am not invalid as a mothering source.

but at the end of today, i still feel like i did something wrong and this is my punishment. i still feel envious of other mothers, especially the ones who seem to not want to be one and neglect their child. i still feel like a childless mother marked. i can say i will see past this guilt and resentment all i want, but in my heart i know i am still haunted by an empty belly. and at this point, today, i don't know how to rid my ghosts.
~NT